Me Time
It is almost 9:00pm on Sunday, December 18, 2011 and I have been busy with “Me” all day. The weekends are usually my Me days since Monday through Friday are days I dedicate to others.
Around midweek, I spoke to a client who was desperate to complete required therapy sessions. I was empathetic to his predicament and almost gave up one of my Me days to help him. Then, my little clinical voice reminded me of the importance of boundaries and self-preservation. My job is to offer clients therapeutic services from a professional perspective, not to feel pity and weakness to a point where I allow them to cross my boundaries.
There I was listening to his plight and feeling that I needed to throw my Me Time out the window to help him. He was not in danger or suffering with a crisis that required emergency therapy. Fortunately, my clinical voice stopped the sorrowful feelings I felt as I listened to his dilemma. When I started listening and thinking like a professional, I knew that I could assist him without affecting my Me Time.
If I don’t make time for Me, I will be unable to make time for those I help. Therapist burnout can be detrimental to those in the psychotherapy field who become stressed out when they don’t practice self-preservation by setting boundaries. A good example of professional boundaries being violated is depicted in the movie What About Bob? when Bob terrorizes his psychotherapist during the therapist’s planned and needed Me Time.
So, here I sit feeling relaxed and having time to write this piece. I haven’t been to my blog in months and it feels good to have time to share my thoughts.
Peacefully yours,
Me
Remembering the LGBTQ of 9/11
Please visit an online memorial and add a flower. This page is dedicated to all of the heroes with no distinction to sexual orientation, gender, age, race, culture, or religion. http://www.9-11heroes.us/
When this country was under attack, terrorists were not thinking about gay or straight. They were thinking Americans and their aim was to kill any of us who are American or those who happened to be on American soil. The agony, bravery, and tragedy of 9/11 were felt by people in New York, the United States and around the world. Our nation was threatened and we prayed and cried together. The entire nation as we knew it changed forever.
In reading some of the stories of victims and survivors involved in the aftermath of 9/11, some things did not change. A few gays still had to jump through some hoops. Francis Coppola, a New York detective who lost his firefighter partner Eddie. Coppola said, “I have never been more proud of being an American or a New Yorker, but at the same time it has made me sad. The greatest country in the world, and yet we are treated like second-class citizens… The great love of my life died doing what he did best and what he loved to do: helping others. I have never been an activist or ever wanted to be one; however, it is time we stand up and be counted and demand equality –nothing more or nothing less.” Tom Musback, http://www.gay.com/ www.PlanetOut.com
Coppola did not provide a last name for this partner, but he did speak out. Many gays felt the distress of 9/11, but also thought of the humiliation that coming out could generate. You would think that the disaster would have overshadowed their fears. For that matter, you would think no one would have cared about someone’s sexual orientation when the loss of life and threat to our national security should have been the most crucial issue during and after 9/11.
“As the days went by, we learned that some of the missing rescue personnel were gay, and that many of their lovers, some of whom are cops and fire fighters, were grieving in silence for fear of outing them. We learned too quickly and in too cruel a way that the closet is a terrible place to grieve…” Edgar Rodriguez, NYPD in the former Lesbian & Gay New York.
In keeping with the theme Step Into My Shoes: Expressions from the LGBTQ Community, I felt it would be good to raise awareness of the LGBTQ victims of 9/11. Step into their shoes as I give a brief synopsis of who they were.
New York Fire Department Catholic Chaplain, Father Mychal Judge, 68, was killed while ministering to a fallen firefighter at Ground Zero. The president signed the Mychal Judge Act, which grants federal money to survivors (including same-sex partners) of victims of 9/11/11.
Mark Bingham, 31, a 6’4” openly gay rugby player was on United Airlines Flight 93 when he joined others to stop the hijackers from killing more Americans. His mom, Alice Hoagland, has been an advocate in the LGBT community and San Francisco celebrates Mark Bingham Day on September 16th.
Carol Flyzik, 40, an RN and member of the Human Rights Campaign was on American Airlines Flight 11. She and her partner had been together almost 13 years. www.hrc.org
David Charlebois was a co-pilot and member of the National Gay Pilots Association. He was on American Airlines Flight 77 before it crashed into the Pentagon. He and his partner had been together 13 years. www.secure.ngpa.org/
Graham Berkeley, 37, was a native of England and was on United Airlines Flight 175.
Pamela Boyce, 43, was on the 92nd floor of One World Trade Center.
A couple, Ronald Gamboa, 33 and Dan Brandhorst, 42 had been partners for 13 years. Both were killed along with their three-year-old adopted son, David Brandhorst. They were on United Airlines Flight 175 and were members of Pop Luck Club, a Los Angeles organization for gay men interested in adopting children. www.Planetout.com
James Joe Ferguson, 39, was on American Airlines Flight 77 and was a Director of Geography Education for National Geographic.
Jeffrey Collman, a flight attendant, was on American Airlines Flight 11. He had been with his partner for 11 years.
John Keohane, 41, was walking with his partner of 17 years when he was killed by falling debris.
Sheila Hein, 41, was a Defense of Freedom Medal Recipient. She worked for the US Army and was on American Airline Flight 77. Hein’s partner of 18 years, Peggy Neff, was denied funds by the Virginia Criminal Injuries Compensation Fund. The Federal Government’s September 11th Victim Compensation Fund of 2001 approved payment to Neff for what is said to be the first payment made to a gay survivor of a partner killed in 9/11. www.365Gay.com
“Roxy Eddie” Ognibene, a member of New York’s Big Apple Softball League was on the 89th floor. www.outsports.com
Larry Courtney is still uncertain about what happened to his partner of 11 years, Eugene Clark, 47, who was on the 102nd floor and is still missing. www.advocate.com
Wesley Mercer, 70, was Vice President of Security with Morgan Stanley and he is still missing. His partner of 26 years, Bill Randolph, is not eligible for Mercer’s full benefits unlike other partners who received benefits. www.advocate.com
Luke A. Dudek, 50, a Food and Beverage Controller at Windows on the World was on his first day back to work from vacation according to his partner of 20 years.
Michael Lepore, 39, was a project analyst. His partner of 18 years, David O’Leary, said he is comforted by the house & garden that Lepore called his “pride and joy.” New York Times
William Anthony Karnes, 37, was on the 97th floor of the World Trade Center and survived by his partner, John Winter. www.lgny.com
Seamus O’Neal left behind a partner, Tom Miller, who was distraught that he was forced defend his relationship with O’Neal in the aftermath. www.gay.com
Catherine Smith, 44, was on the 97th floor. Her partner, Elba Cedeno, said they had wills and it was easy to take ownership of the home they shared. However, she cannot receive Smith’s social security benefits despite the fact that they were cohabitating mates with a lifelong commitment to each other. www.contaxguide.com
Patricia McAneney was grieved by her partner of 18 years, Margaret Cruz. Cruz received emergency aid and had to document her financially interdependent partnership to receive help from the Crime Victim’s Board, the Red Cross and New York State charitable fund. She was fortunate to receive a total of $80,000.00. www.financesof911.com
Waleska Martinez, 37, worked for the Census Bureau and was on Flight 93. In Jere Longman’s book, Among the Heroes, Martinez’s partner, Angela Lopez, said, “She was my longtime companion, best friend and soul mate.” New York Times Book Review, 9-8-02, p. 13
Renee Barrett, died on October 18th from her injuries and her survivors include an 18-year-old son and her life partner, Enez Cooper. She was a member of Gay Metropolitan Community Church of New York. www.mccny.org
“Let’s celebrate our many known and unknown Lesbian and Gay patriots and heroes!” Paul J. Nash
Peacefully yours,
Tonja
Arranged Marriage, Planned Parenthood or Manufactured Procreation?
Hooray for an unorthodox way to acknowledge and accept gays and lesbians while engendering life!
Rabbi Arele Harel has taken a page out of my mental book of how to make the best out of anything in life. This rabbi is clearly a mutineer considering, “Most rabbis encourage gays to suppress their attractions, abstain from gay sex or undergo therapy to try to go straight.”
Gay men and lesbian women will be unchanged by others’ hatred, discrimination, disapproval, blasphemy, prayers, threats, or banishment. They will continue to struggle and live their life as gay men and lesbians in the closet or openly. Some may marry to appease family and society or from the fear and ignominy of expressing their innate feelings toward the same sex.
Rabbi Harel has joined the ranks of thousands of others who have capitalized on today’s practice of dating and has become a matchmaker. However, his approach is a little different than the average dating or matchmaking service. He is interested in helping a population experience the freedom of accepting who they are while still being able to fulfill their dreams of marriage and children. Many gay couples use surrogates or adoption to become parents. Lesbians have an advantage over gay men because either woman can actually give birth.
As men and women (gay or straight), we aspire to become parents. It begins in childhood when we are playing house, playing with dolls, or taking care of pets. As adults, our desire to love, teach, and care of another human being is altruistic. It does not affect every person since many people prefer to never become parents. A person’s sexual orientation is not a factor in a person’s desire to have children since many gays and lesbians work very hard to become parents.
One gay man considering using Rabbi Harel’s matchmaking said, “he was willing to forgo love if it means being able to have children. He wants to try to refrain from seeing men when he is married but would discuss the issue with his wife if that changed.” Is Rabbi Harel a matchmaker or is he arranging “loveless” marriages?
Rabbi Harel states, “gay and lesbian partners learn to love each other once children arrive. Their love is based on parenthood. Parenthood is the glue and it’s strong.” Is Rabbi Harel supervising planned parenthood?
When you mix the complexity of parenthood, marriage, sexual orientation, and religion, it is too much for most to think about let alone find a solution. It seems that Rabbi Harel has found a way for the Jewish LGBTQ population to honor their religion, have a spouse and have children. Jewish law forbids adultery, so gays and lesbians who marry for the sole purpose of wanting children still have to be willing to be faithful to their spouse. Is Rabbi Harel manufacturing procreation?
Humans are pleasure-seeking creatures of habit, so I ponder the outcome of Rabbi Harel’s couples. Will they eventually stray and commit adultery? Will they consent to divorce so they can be with a same-sex partner? Does marriage change their sexual orientation from gay or lesbian to bisexual?
Although I’m not Jewish and I’m not gay, I think there is irony in this Associated Press article by Tia Goldenberg. It states, “Tel Aviv is considered one of the most gay-friendly cities in the world.” Then it states, “There is no gay marriage in Israel primarily because there is no civil marriage and all weddings must be done through the Jewish rabbinate, which does not marry gays and considers homosexuality a sin and a violation of Jewish law.” It also states, “The liberal religious gay group Havruta opposes Harel’s approach, saying it seeks to “erase” homosexuals from the Orthodox community.”
What is an intelligent person to think of Judaism and homosexuality? Is it duplicitous for Tel-Aviv to celebrate homosexuality, yet Israel does not allow civil marriages and Jewish rabbinates consider homosexuality a sin and violation of law? The Orthodox community is already trying to erase homosexuals by hoping they would “change” and go straight whereas Rabbi Harel views homosexuals as viable contributors to increasing the Jewish population.
Peacefully yours,
Tonja
Related articles
Saying “I Do” when others think “I Don’t…”
My daughter picks up free copies of USA Today and Washington Post at her school and brings them home, so I peruse these newspapers on occasion. Most of my news is obtained online through various newswire services or from postings on Facebook and Twitter, but I still enjoy getting my fingers stained with ink from an actual newspaper.
On August 31, 2011, one headline that caught my attention in USA Today read, “He said he will, he said he does, and they did.” This sounded confusing and comical, so I looked closely at the photo with the story. There was a frame with flowers around it and inside were headshots of the back of the heads of two men standing side by side. Each man had gray hair with male pattern baldness and was wearing a black jacket.
Craig Wilson wrote “The Final Word” that talked about a very short, simple, and uneventful wedding at a courthouse in the District of Columbia where gay marriages are legal. There was no flower bouquet, guests, cake, gifts, or photographer. These two really down played a special occasion that should have been a big deal considering Jack and Craig have been together for 27 years.
I wasn’t even there, but I felt the joy of two people adding a special touch to an already established and long-term relationship. Two people being together for almost three decades requires effort and I feel it is significant whether they are straight or gay. Louie Crew and Ernest Clay are the couple on the front cover of my anthology (www.jafansta.com/StepIntoMyShoes_LGBTQ_Anthology.aspx) and they have been married for 34 years. I was honored to put their photo on the front cover because I felt it represents love, not gayness or straightness.
A couple of things intrigued me about Craig’s story. First, he said they wanted to make a statement for political and religious people who are against same-sex marriage. Craig described he and Jack as, “…the guys on the block who just want to lead an honest life, who want to be recognized as a committed couple, who desire the same rights as everyone else.”
Next, Craig said that friends, family and neighbors began congratulating them when they decided to tell everyone after they returned home from their marriage ceremony. I pondered the comments Craig wrote, “… they were thrilled by the news but wondered if maybe we were “rushing things” about his friends Bob and Martha.”
Rushing things??? Are you kidding? They have been together for 27 years! It sounded like this comment was a camouflaged disapproval by Bob and Martha. How in the heck can someone rush into something they have already been into for 27 years? They were already living like a married couple sharing family, love, life, and everything that couples share. I will venture to say Bob and Martha felt that Craig and Jack were “rushing things” because Bob and Martha were not ready to accept same-sex marriage.
I applaud Bob and Martha for accepting a gay couple as friends, but it doesn’t sound like they were as accepting of their same-sex marriage. While Craig and Jack and other gay couples are saying “I Do”, their friends and many others are thinking “I Don’t believe in or condone same-sex marriage.”
This opens the door to asking the question about those who have LGBTQ friends and accept gay couples, but still wrangle with same-sex marriage. Should these people still be viewed as a LGBTQ ally? Is it important for gay men and women to have friends and allies who believe they deserve the right to marry?
Peacefully yours,
Tonja
India’s Gay Pride
Several of the anthology contributors live in India. The LGBTQ issues and laws in the USA are slightly different from those in India. The struggles, the bullying, the discrimination, the hate crimes, the stigma, and the HIV problems are quite similar. However, some people may say that American gays have a slight advantage. When you step into the shoes of a LGBTQ person in India, you will learn that:
- there is no way to officially track the number of gays beaten, sexually assaulted and raped by police and there is no justice
- there are no landord/tenant courts to help gays who are evicted by landlords for being gay
- gays can be detained and “treated” with aversion therapy (electric shock) for their “mental disorder“
- some families abuse, disown, beat, and even kill gay family members
The good news is that gay sex is no longer a crime punishable by up to 10 years in prison. There is a steady rise of gay rights and human rights organizations, activists and supporters who work diligently to improve circumstances for gays in India. Gays in India are constantly being challenged, but the population continues to gleam with gay pride.
The poems, letters, narratives, essays, and articles submitted by the earnest writers in India will make you think, cry and maybe even laugh. When I stepped into the shoes of contributors in India, I learned that the desire to have acceptance, fair treatment and love is universal!
Peacefully yours!
The Anatomy of a Gay Pool Party (via Hommemaker)
Very interesting! Now “Straight People” who have never attended a Gay Pool Party will know what to expect when we’re invited. Thanks so much for this expose.
via Hommemaker
Escada, Louis Vouitton, Gucci, Prada, BCBG, etc…
Labels are for filing. Labels are for clothing. Labels are not for people. ~ Martina Navratilova
To label or not to label… that is the question. I’m speaking of people, not fashion.
When we are born in a hospital, we are given a cute little label on a plastic ID bracelet. Our surname is usually written on the label so the hospital staff knows which of the waiting mothers to take us to once we’re ready to be held, loved and fed. A baby has no idea that a label is affixed to him or her. Our mothers would probably recognize us without the label if they were allowed to walk into the hospital nursery. Since the hospital staff cannot remember who each baby belongs to and could give us to the wrong mother, a name label seems essential.
When a person dies, the morgue gives the body a label. This label or toe tag is hanging from a string with identifying information. This assures that the body is given the right autopsy or other services before being transferred to the burial agency the family has paid to provide final arrangements. I don’t know if it happens often in real life, but movies like to show families grieving the wrong body because someone goofed up the label.
In between birth and death, labels are thrown into a huge hat of life and everyone is supposed to reach in and pull out an identifying label. This hat will go around throughout one’s lifetime as we go through many changes in life that require us to pick a label. Most of us will have the same labels at some point, e.g. baby, toddler, child, girl/boy, student, adolescent, young/old, man/woman, Black/White, girlfriend/boyfriend, wife/husband, mother/father, grandmother/grandfather, employee, homeowner, taxpayer, and senior citizen. Others may earn labels they are proud to have such as doctor, Nobel Peace Prize winner, teacher, President of the United States of America, mentor, hero, etc. Some labels can cost you and determine your standing in life, e.g. smoker, criminal, drunk driver, child abuser, drug addict, minority, etc.
Then, there are those labels that seem to correlate with controversy. Why is there so much controversy, secretiveness, blasphemy, and bigotry surrounding the gay, homosexual, lesbian, bisexual, transsexual, transgendered, and queer labels? Why is it that the more open the topics surrounding LGBTQ matters become, the more often that those who are not gay have to use the “straight” label?
It used to be that people automatically assumed everyone was straight because being gay was such a taboo that only the bravest rebels would dare label themselves as gay. Being straight was automatic and the gay population were supposed to use labels so they could be placed into society’s “closeted because something is wrong” section.
As a straight person who has been an advocate of LGBTQ rights, I was shocked when a few people asked me if I’m gay. Frankly, I was somewhat offended because I grew up in the “straight is normal” society that protects straight people from having to defend or explain their sexual identity. I always thought my sexual orientation was obvious and that I was a part of the “norm” or the majority that didn’t need to use a label.
After realizing that I was reacting in an offended manner because society has made all of us think that being gay equates to something negative, bad, sinful, or wrong, I noticed that my sexual identity questioners would do the politically correct song and dance by telling me that it would be ok and wouldn’t matter if I was gay. Of course, my response is, “why ask if it’s ok and does not matter?”
I have never asked anyone if they are gay just for the sake of knowing so that I can tell them it’s ok and does not matter. For health reasons, I have asked men I’ve dated about their sexual history because I feel I have a right to know. [NOTE: Talking about sexual health is another blog.]
Well, I gave myself the “heterosexual rebel” label when I joined the crusade to fight against the society that discriminates and thrives on ostracizing and discriminating against those who don’t fit society’s norm (whatever the hell norm really means). I am confident enough in my straightness that I can rattle the minds of other straight people to make them realize that I am the same person just as the gay person is the same regardless of the label ascribed by self or by society.
My poem “Sexual Identity: [x] NA (not applicable)” is in the anthology and was inspired by my thoughts on labels. www.jafansta.com/StepIntoMyShoes_LGBTQ_Anthology.aspx
In 2011, the rights of gays in the military, marriage, family, adoption, workplace, and in schools are continuously improving. As this happens, there seems to be a change in people’s attitude about attaching a gay label as a sign of pride. Thus, the abundance of Gay Pride and Rainbow Pride parades, bumper stickers, marches, and other activism. PFLAG members are proud to use labels for their loved ones by saying, ”my son is gay”, “my mom is lesbian” or ”my uncle is queer.” Gays are proud to announce they are lesbian, bisexual, transsexual, or queer. There are still many who would prefer to stay in the closet or remain secretive because they don’t want to have a label affixed so that society can clump them into a category that is still not completely accepted.
I’ve noticed many gays are using the queer label, which they feel covers anything they want to be. [NOTE: Come back to read another blog that discusses queer.]
In thinking about how society has evolved with regards to the LGBTQ population and its labels, do you feel labels are needed for people? Are they useful with a positive message or useless with negative connotations? Should we leave labeling to the designers for clothing, shoes, purses, cologne, and luggage?
Peacefully yours!
Today feels like a Fantastic Friday!
It’s exciting to know that many people are opening up and writing about their feelings. Some are realizing that writing has therapeutic and healing qualities. Writing Therapy, Poetry Therapy, Music Therapy, Dance Therapy, Art Therapy, and many other creative therapies are part of the Expressive Arts Therapies. Many psychotherapists such as myself know that creativity can be used to help heal emotional wounds and sometimes physical ailments.
The writer, poet, musician, dancer, artist or other creative artists can experience self-healing as a result of expressing their feelings using a creative method. Creative artists can also create stories, poems, music, art, and other forms of healing artistry that can be used by others seeking an alternative or supplement to traditional therapeutic healing.
Many contributors to the anthology, Step Into My Shoes: Expressions from the LGBTQ Community, probably felt an inner healing as they wrote their poems, stories or letters. Their heartfelt expressions are a valuable resource for others seeking healing within their own minds and hearts. If you are seeking comfort in knowing others share your sentiments as a member of the LGBTQ community, this anthology is for you.
It is a Fantastic Friday thanks to the multi-talented contributors who made this anthology a valuable tool for the Expressive Arts therapies.
Today feels like a Mutable Monday!
Many lives are being changed right before our eyes. Freedom to Marry (www.freedomtomarry.org) posted on Twitter that Richard and John could marry after 61 years of being together as a couple. Wow! this is longer than some people live let alone live together. Some may ponder why would they change anything now if they’ve been happy for six decades? Obviously, they could have traveled to D.C. or other states to marry since New York had not allowed them to marry. If New York has been their home, why should they have to leave to marry?
This couple and many others can rejoice as they celebrate along with many others who have taken the Roadmap to Victory path to gain their Freedom to Marry. Learn more about the Freedom to Marry efforts and victories. http://www.freedomtomarry.org/page/share/Road_Map_to_Victory?source=youtube&subsource=roadmapvid_desc&utm_source=youtube&utm_medium=video&utm_campaign=ytuberoadmapvid_desc
Sign up for the Freedom to Marry pledge that supportsmarriage rights for all Americans. http://www.freedomtomarry.org/pages/take-action
I would say that the changes being brought about in favor of gay rights, especially the right to marry the person you love, are changes worth fighting for. Let’s hope others won’t have to wait 61 years like Richard and John.
Today feels like a Straight Saturday!
It was late yesterday when I read online articles and tweets that shouted to the world that New York finally legalized same-sex marriage. Gay men and women are crying tears of joy and proposing to their long-time partners. I’m happy for them!
A couple of the articles I’ve read online were posted by Reuters (http://www.reuters.com/article/2011/06/25/us-gaymarriage-newyork-idUSTRE75N5ZA20110625) and the Chicago Tribune (http://www.chicagotribune.com/news/local/breaking/chi-nys-new-gay-marriage-law-passes-celebrities-weigh-in-20110624,0,5107305.story?track=rss).
As always, when reading online articles there are other headlines that catch my attention. As I scrolled down the page on the Chicago Tribune site, I saw a controversial headline, Bill Maxwell: Homophobia, It’s a Black Thing, that just begged me to click on it. This article (http://scrippsnews.com/content/maxwell-homophobia-its-black-thing) addressed some oppositional views of those who are adamantly against same-sex marriage.
Before the law passed in NY, Tracy Morgan was at the center of an anti-gay controversy. Other famous (and non-famous) Blacks have been noted as being homophobic. I can’t respond to the notion of homophobia being a Black thing. I am a heterosexual Black female and I’m promoting Step Into My Shoes: Expressions from the LGBTQ Community, an anthology I compiled and edited. I guess I missed the memo on homophobia being a Black thing.
Rev. Bernice King, the youngest child of Rev. Martin Luther King, Jr. is a very strong and active opponent of same-sex marriage. Her father is a huge inspiration for me and many in the world who believe in humanity, equality, compassion, and peace. How can the child who sat in the arms of her Civil Rights activist mother at the funeral of her humanitarian, peace promoting and Civil Rights activist father (in that famous photo) become a monger of anything that represents inequality? Her father died in the midst of a battle that really has not ended. I would think that Bernice King would put her time and energy into the ongoing struggle to end discrimination and promote equality.
Yesterday, today and tomorrow, feels like a Straight for Equality day.
Peacefully yours,
jafansta101
